Some What-If’s

What if China thought our government was a direct threat to its national security and decided to attack us based on that reason? What if the Chinese won? They would probably set up a base in Washington, D.C. and attempt to impose their system of government upon us. Would we be perfectly OK with this as a society? Or would we pull out every National Rifle Association nut with a gun rack on his truck and try to remove them forcibly? Would we turn cars into bombs? Would we devolve as a society to protect the culture we hold dear?

What if abortion was illegal and a baby that would’ve been aborted ends up on welfare for the rest of its life? Would those against welfare be for abortion? On one hand, you have not stopped a beating heart. On the other hand, you now have to pay for feeding that heart, clothing that heart, getting that heart through a lackluster education and likely supporting that heart through minimum-wage jobs that don’t provide enough money for a decent living. Oh, but that heart might not have health insurance, so it may die later on anyway.

What if that non-aborted welfare baby joined the army? Is it OK if we stop a beating heart at 18? Is it OK because he is no longer burdening the country on welfare but is instead honorably serving his country? Would that make anti-abortion anti-welfare advocates pro-war?

What if alchemy worked, and we turned most lead into gold, making lead the most valuable metal on the planet?

What if Jesus would’ve stuck around for a few more years instead of ascending to Heaven right away? The Romans obviously couldn’t really kill him again. He could have hung out and spread the gospel himself instead of having Paul do most of the work. And given enough time for him to work out some of the translational kinks, such as fully explaining his call for us to become eunuchs, he could have then ascended.

What if instead of Kepler’s laws of planetary motion, I wanted the theory of “Planets on Invisible Strings” taught to students so they could make up their own minds? What if I just wanted a fair and balanced representation of my beliefs? The planets’ elliptical orbit is caused by invisible strings. And asteroids have had their strings cut, so they are going every which way. And comets have really, really long strings.
What if instead of warring with each other any time there was a dispute over land or religion, we killed monkeys instead? Rounded up a whole bunch of them, and whichever side killed the most monkeys, they won the dispute. Man seems to have an inherent nature to kill. This way, if we kill the monkeys, we won’t be killing humans. It will be similar enough, though. And this way the monkeys would never be able to take over the world and destroy Charlton Heston’s hope. Also, from an efficiency standpoint, all those anti-war protesters would then join People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). It would save a lot of money on posters. Although, we’d probably have to start monkey farms because humans really enjoy killing … a lot.

What if Native Americans would have simply shot the first settlers on sight?

What if we got rid of the two-party system? It is obvious that the average American has a much more complex system of political beliefs than left and right, liberal and conservative. Why is such a polar system thrust upon us? It forces almost every American to compromise on some portion of his or her beliefs. We could treat the political system like we treat corporate monopolies. Split the parties into a bunch of smaller parties with the money and power divided among them.

What if people stopped supporting completely retarded movies? You all know which ones I’m talking about.

What if God expressed “I love you” in every single language, in every single way in the stars? And not in a random “that constellation looks like an ‘L'” kind of way, but in such a manner that it was undeniable that the universe wanted to tell us something?

  • March 26, 2008