I love Easter. Really. It is my favorite pagan fertility celebration. Where did you think all those bunnies, eggs and even the English word “Easter” came from? Besides, Easter is the time that Reese’s comes out with their egg-shaped cups. Those things are amazing! So much peanut-butter goodness. Now because of this special time, I would like to spell out how the Christian resurrection story makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
1. God had to commit suicide in order to make himself happy. In a nutshell, the creator of the entire universe decides to make man, his favorite of all creation. He also decides to make rules to live by for man. And if these rules should be broken in man’s finite life, then he will be punished for all eternity. Being an omniscient creator, he knew from the beginning that man was going to break his rules. This upset him greatly. In order to make himself feel better, the creator sent himself down to Earth and set up an elaborate situation to kill himself. So in summary, the creator had to kill himself to appease himself so that he would not have to punish us, his favorite creation, for all eternity. That doesn’t make much sense.
2. Jesus wasn’t much of a sacrifice. So, I am supposed to believe that Jesus lived a completely sinless life. That is somewhat feasible; he was apparently God. That makes it a bit easier not to sin (kind of cheating though). He then died unjustly to pay for the sins of every human ever to walk the earth. He took on the sins of all humanity. Now, he is standing at the right hand of God. Yet if I die with sin, I go to hell for eternity. He was supposed to be paying for the sins of every human being. If I have my addition right, Jesus would start at a sin count of zero and add my sin plus your sin plus everyone’s sin. Then if I have my multiplication right, every human being multiplied by eternity should equal eternity in hell for Jesus. Why does Jesus get special treatment? That doesn’t make much sense.
3. It could’ve been worse – Christians love to point out that Jesus suffered and died for our sins and that the torture under Pontius Pilate and the crucifixion was the worst possible death. I would like to challenge this thought. Crucifixion is a terrible way to die. This is for certain. It is a terribly long suffocation. However, many humans throughout all of history have died some pretty gruesome and terrible deaths. Some of which, I’m pretty certain, were worse than crucifixion. Starvation takes forever. Being burnt alive. A sandpaper slide into a saltwater container of hungry sharks. Any combination of any possible thoughts would likely be worse than the crucifixion. Also, what kind of suffering is Jesus really going through when he gets to be at the right hand of the Father for all eternity in a few hours? What is a few hours of suffering to an infinite being? Nothing at all.
4. Jesus is not unique. History provided many messianic templates for Jesus: Attis, Horus, Mithra, Dionysus and Krishna. Look up the mythologies and you’ll find hundreds of similarities between the stories. Virgin births, bread and wine sacraments, and rising from the dead after three days can be credited to most of these people who pre-dated Jesus by hundreds of years. A cult is a religion with few members and a mythology is just a religion no one follows anymore.
5. Proof does not deny free will. Modern Christians are told to just have faith. Even Jesus said, “Blessed are those who have not seen and still believe.” The most popular reason I’ve heard for God not showing himself to humanity is because he wants us to have free will. Yet, if Jesus was resurrected, he provided the disciples with proof. This apparently did not alter their free will. Evidence in a personal creator doesn’t stop one from disobeying him. So, why doesn’t God show himself to his creation? Doubting Thomas had the right idea requesting proof because faith is just another word for delusion.